Note Book 10 Page 48-50

I’m feeling a lot better now. Though I can only very vaguely recall what has happened since the last time I wrote. There are only certain points I can remember clearly. I remember Kohra having found me in Northern San d’Oria and he tried to help me. I remember Mai showing up at some point, why she was there I really don’t know... The one thing I can remember, clear as day, is when Sparhawk showed up.

As soon as I saw him I felt calm and happy. He asked Kohra and Mai to leave then sat down with me and asked what was wrong. I told him about the nightmares, the images of the dream skipping through my head as I told him. His tone is always gentle around me, always comforting. He lay down on the floor and told me he would stay with me every night, I felt overjoyed when he said that. Last thing I remember was resting my head on his chest for only a moment before falling asleep to the sound of his heart.

And the nightmares were gone, instead replaced by vivid, warm, soft colors that danced around in my mind while I slept. It was like the nightmares never existed at all. Though I know they did… When Sparhawk is with me I don’t feel frightened. The only time I feel afraid when he is by my side is if he is hurt… Then there is an overwhelming wave of fear that just sweeps over me and I just freeze up. I feel alone and don’t know what to do, much like a lost child. I have many fears… Lillias, Alberic when he is taken over, losing my friends… But I think that losing Sparhawk is the worst of my fears.

When I had thought I had lost him back in the Testing Grounds… Everything just hurt… I can’t really describe it, it just felt like pain. If Alberic and the others hadn’t come to find me I don’t think I would have moved from that spot in the woodlands. I think I may have just been completely unwilling to move, perhaps unwilling to even go about life. When Alberic said that Sparhawk could still be alive, it felt like I had taken the first deep breath after feeling like I had held my breath for hours. And when Kohra, Joundi, and I found him alive and well in that strange hidden shrine, the feeling was just, I don’t know… I felt like I could have sprouted wings.

I’ve been very happy and light hearted the past couple of days. Been studying the stratagems in my grimoires and learning about strange magic that can alter the weather around a person. Yesterday I was able to conjure a small rainstorm around some flowers I found out in Ronfaure. It’s amazing to be able to create all types of weather. I wonder what the others will think of this magic. I picked up some new armor in the past Bastok as well. Though the coat is heavy and the skirt takes some getting used to, it’s really a nice outfit.

I hope I see the others some time soon. I don’t want anyone who happened to see me while I was under the effect of those dreadful nightmares to be worried. I imagine I must have looked awful after not having slept in days.