Note Book 10 Page 34-38

I haven't been sleeping too well lately. I have been finding myself waking up in the middle of the night, on random nights from stress induced nightmares. But I don't wish to write about it before I go to sleep. I don't want to wake up again in a cold sweat. My mind feels completely bogged down with all that has been going on.

For the most part I had spent the day laying on the floor, trying to at least get a small nap in. When it became late in the day Mel told me that maybe getting a little fresh air would help me. Though her words were far from what I just wrote, and more like "Quit being a shut-in, kewpo! Go outside for a while. You don't spend nearly as much time outside as you used to, kewpo!" ... Mel's words can be harsh, but I know she means well. And she was right, I haven't been spending as much time outside as I usually do. I think I may go out to Attohwa Chasm in the next few days and spend the night on the mountain like I used to.

So as advised by Mel, I headed out of the residential area and just happened to spot Caenir and Sparhawk talking near the stairs leading out to the city. It was nice to see them and I immediately ran up to say hello. They both greeted me, Sparhawk asking if Caenir and I were friends. We both told him that we had been friends for quite a long time now. Caenir then mentioned that Alberic had been looking for me earlier, saying that I might be in danger... Something about a fight with another Blue Mage...

Sparhawk began staring at me then, asking if I was indeed an Immortal. I told him that I was a Blue but did not follow their ways. His expression was unreadable, I couldn't tell if he was angry at hearing this or sad. I felt myself staring at the ground for a moment, as if trying to avoid his gaze before another familiar voice approached. It was Kreoss, he seemed to be able to wear heavier armor again and a lot of his bruising had cleared up.

Kreoss questioned as to who Sparhawk was, and once told who he was and where from, Kreoss immediately threatened him with death should he lay a hand on anyone of his friends. I was shocked at Kreoss' reaction, barely past introduction and already a death threat. I know he wants to keep his friends safe from harm, and that he has been through a lot... But he should at least give others a chance first. Sparhawk left after Kreoss had spoken and after a moment's thought I followed after him to try and explain the situation.

I caught up to him on a path near the main road and apologized for Kreoss' words. He seemed surprised at first that I had followed him, smiling widely. But his smile faded, asking once again if I was really an Immortal and if I served the Empire. I felt a bit uncomfortable talking about this, but I told him that me becoming an Immortal had been an accident and that I did not serve the Empire. His expression softened at my words and he seemed to relax a bit. The ways of the Immortals are vile... And what they become... It's unspeakable. I'm still glad I have a way around preforming as they do.

He then spoke of his wife, who had also once been an Immortal. When I asked her name it sounded familiar, but for his sake I won't write it down. I'm certain I remember Raubahn mentioning it a long while ago, though I don't clearly remember the content of the conversation. It was easy to tell he loved her deeply, the distant saddened look in his eyes... I could feel a pang in my heart and apologized for upsetting him. He smiled at me, telling me that it had all happened a long time ago. I don't want to bring up painful memories with others, it hurts to see them when they are sad.

Sparhawk said he felt that me just being around him brought up painful memories. Though the memories of Lord Sikayu are far from painful, the fact I may never see him again... I got his last letter eight months ago and it's been a little over a year since I've seen him... The letter talked about how his search was going for our other two friends, Cass and Spudzie-Wudzie(who had nicknamed himself Potatoes). He talked about the different monsters he saw in the outlands, about the strange plans, and about how we would all get together once he had found them and go on a grand adventure, the four of us... I've given up hope at this point... But where ever they are, I hope they can all find happiness.

Sparhawk asked my own happiness. Though I can find some happiness in the joy in the others around me, I'm beginning to believe that my own may be unattainable. Sparhawk questioned if I had given up on it, saying that I was so young to feel despair. I had felt every single painful memory deluged my thoughts at that moment. I felt cold and alone, everything just hurt. I tried hard to push those thoughts out of mind, and when I finally was aware again of my surrounding, Sparhawk had left.

Not a moment later, Kreoss and Caenir stood near me asking if I was alright. Kreoss asked if Sparhawk had hurt me and if he should seek him for punishment. I told him it was my own fault, that I had remembered a bad memory, but having pushed it away I was okay. That did not convince Kreoss, who walked off to have a word with Sparhawk. I had a bad feeling, so I took Caenir by the hand, and decided to follow after Kreoss. Once we reached the fountain in the center of Windurst Woods however, I didn't have any idea where he had gone.

Mai just happened to pass by at that moment, so we asked if she could help us find Kreoss and Sparhawk. Mai is always good at figuring out where people are, because moments later we found Kreoss, katana drawn, pointing it at Sparhawk. I hate seeing people I know drawing weapons on each other. I shouted at them, Kreoss glanced at me a moment before being disarmed by a quick swing from Sparhawk's axe, the katana landing tip down in the dirt near Mai's feet. There has been far too much aggressive action against the people I know recently, this violence is doing no one any good. Why must they always fight?

I stared up at them, Sparhawk glanced away while Kreoss said that he had drawn his blade first, and that Sparhawk was hiding something. Even if he was hiding something, doesn't he at least deserve a chance to explain himself? Kreoss said that Sparhawk had hurt me and some way, and therefor was not deserving of a chance. Sparhawk asked if he had upset me, but I told him he hadn't, that I had brought the bad memory on myself. I still felt pretty upset at this current situation though, I never want to see my friends fight...

What Sparhawk did next made me very happy. He extended a hand to Kreoss to make amends. Though it seemed like Kreoss hesitated for a moment, he extended his own hand and they shook. I'm glad they didn't start fighting again. Sparhawk came up to me then asking if that was acceptable, I couldn't help but smile, as long as they didn't fight I was happy. He seemed glad and smiled back, placing a hand lightly on my shoulder for a moment before walking off.

When Sparhawk was out of sight Kreoss stated that he still didn't trust him. I told him that trust is hard to come by when you first meet someone. Caenir even said that he felt like Sparhawk didn't mean any harm. Kreoss seemed to be rethinking his opinion, allowing the thought that Sparhawk wasn't bad to be an option. But then Mai mentioned the whole Anahka thing.

I didn't really feel like sticking around at that point. I felt like I was just going to become upset again. I turned around to leave, not saying anything, giving Caenir a light tap on the shoulder to let him know I wasn't hanging around. When I got back home I realized that, by leaving like that, I most likely upset someone. I curled up on the floor and began staring at random objects around the room, wondering if I had in fact hurt someone.

I hope to find Sparhawk and speak with him again. I want to explain all that has been going on to him so he can have an understanding of why everyone is on edge. I still believe that he deserves a chance, and I am willing to learn about him first before any rash decisions are made on my part. I think he is a good guy, but how am I gonna convince the others that he is?